Freedom from Integrity

When we were kids...it was all so simple...anything..was either fun or not fun....then we grew up...and life became this tangled web of complications...

We all were taught about right and wrong..but noone ever taught us about the grey area in between...the wats right and wrong at the same time..I love saying "how can some that feels so right be so wrong"

I'm toying with the idea of denial...I think denial can be made into a subject in it self..with multiple chapters under that one heading...wat feels so right but yet so wrong is when u want to give in to the temptation of something that hurts those around u...and being more selfish..will eventually hurt you..its a temporary pleasure of sorts..

Denial plays the role of blurring your ability to see the end result..its the cover before ure eyes that doesn't let ure mind see beyond the immediate pleasure of what's in front of you

The more u deny the more beautiful ure world seems..the more shrouded in darkness u are..daylight is light years away...or atleast till u face the stupidity of ure impulsive choices

For all this talk..I personally don't follow my own thoughts..I do impulsive stupid things..things that could possibly hurt those around me..and me eventually...and then in the moment of temporary pleasure I refuse to see that and go right ahead and jump into the well....its a sort of twilight that I live in...I'm not denying its wrong and actually very hurtful..but neither are my actions guided by what is 'right'.

Its a moral dilemma...iv been taught all the good things...but when it comes to making choices I lack a moral bone..atleast when it comes to my own needs...

Funny thing tho..is that I know I'm a good person..but I don't live by principles...integrity was never on top of my list....or atleast I realize that now...iv still to learn the meaning of 'loosing your integrity' to truly appreciate the value of it..

I see things as 'doing what makes you happy'...could that be wrong...yes it could in a way...cause an ethical person would automatically ask me 'does hurting those around you make you happy'.....now...that question is loaded with integrity...I could stick to the values iv learnt and say 'ofcourse not..hurting those around me doesn't make me happy'.....but there's this tiny demon inside me that pops the question 'why should what I do with my life hurt them?..who gave them the right to dislike me for my choices..I'm still me the person they claim to love'......insanely selfish..

Its a tussle...to not let the demon get to you...you have to set your own principles...ure own limits....but limitations hamper my freedom....I push the barriers of morals to be free..its a skewed sense of freedom....but till the world keeps me trapped in its cage of 'have to do' and 'do not do'....my principles..my limits..my integrity..those are the only barriers I can push....that's the only area I can be free..cause its all up to me.

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.- Spencer Johnson "

I rather not feel

Over the span of the last few days I have kept a record of my thoughts on the ability to feel..ever paragraph is a new day..

Its so much better to not feel..just be cold and logical...all ure options are clear...these are the options..these are the consequences of this option and these are the pros and cons of the consequence....heck...be more anal and run a mathematical optimum solution to happiness for the rest of ure life...makes life so much simpler...don't have to deal with the messiness of illogical emotions and feeling...

How do people think its ok for them to define how you should feel...or define how u must have felt....why is it ok for other people who don't live in your head to analyse ure feelings...if there's one things that is ures and only ures...is ure emotions...that's nobody elses to determine

Emotions I rather not feel....sadness..need..desire..anger..desperation..

Wats more tortuous about feeling is letting it out...if you keep all these emotions bottled up..you are going to burst...so how do you let it out...you write,you paint,you draw....but who do you talk to....the things about sharing ure feelings is just that..sharing...u are eventually sharing your burden of your own thoughts with someone else...and those close to you would share it but is it truly fair to them...to make then carry your burden...its your own baggage...you have to carry it over how many ever expanses you cross..over mountains and across rivers...if its too heavy..then u have to drop it and leave it behind...if u can't..well..then...its your burden to carry...question is..how far can u go before u break under the weight of the baggage you refuse to let go off..

There is no conclusion...just thoughts...

and then some one said "A woman will allow herself to be clouded by her emotions. Her reasonable thought becomes completely unreasonable over the most ridiculous thing. It's a girl thing."

But heres something else to ponder on

" The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy. - Jim Rohn"