Hate. A strong emotion they say. Bind you to a past that you should have let go of. That I should have let go of.
Hate. A strong emotion they say. Keep you from moving forward. I let go of you today. I let go of the past. And this time I didn’t break down.
Hate.I want to analyze this emotion. What is hate. A feeling. An emotion. A repulsiveness. The strong urge , a want , to distance yourself from the object. To stay away to go away. To hurt, to harm, to see hurt.
It’s amazing what this one emotion can do to a person. How much it can consume .How much of it you can hold on to for a long time. Define your life with that one emotion. My personal opinion – it can consume a person more than love.
It’s a feeling of freedom. Letting go of hate. Suddenly I’m no longer consumed. Suddenly I can do the things I couldn’t earlier. The reason why I hated. I can be happier. I can do what I want. I can go ahead. I can move forward.
Why should did I hold on?. Sometimes you need to. Just to push yourself. Hate can make to achieve things you couldn’t otherwise simply cause you want to prove that you can. For how long can I hold on to it. I got where I wanted to. I understand now. I have ‘perspective’.Now I can let go of it.
So I let go.Hate i disown thee
:)
Monday, November 2, 2009
Dear Dairy-Im still a kid
Dear Diary,
I forgot how much writing helped me. How much it helped me sort out my issues. So I sort all.
I’m miserable. I’m disturbed. I opened dairies of 3 years ago and read my past relationship. It was horrible. I can’t believe just reading about it still disturbs me.
I want a puppy. I can’t have one. I get the logic. But I’m still sad. I miss billie. It all comes down to my need to be needed. That would explain my urge to volunteer somewhere. Cause that’s a place where I am needed.
A drives me crazy. Cant hate him cant like him. Feeling like hitting him every so often. Pushy, domineering, egoistic ass. Thank god I never went out with him. It would be like going from one dominating relationship to another. Ah I love S. He’s made for me. Finally!!
But what the hell is wrong with me. Stupidly fantasize about other ppl. Not that I would ever act on it mind you. Not again. I love him too much. But theres still a need for people. There’s still a need for a different kind of connection. One which doesn’t have to result in sex!! Metaphorically speaking.
I got too much to do.I can do it. If I can get my mind to function in that manner. Im too dependant on my moods. I cant seem to get myself into any mood I want. Horrible at hiding my feeling. Wear my heart on my sleeve as the saying goes.
Music is my new drug. My new escape. Havent bothered finding any new music.But the old ones are still there.
Now I remember why I started writing. Cause I read about the day on the hill. Every time I think maybe I don’t hate him as much I remember that day. Finally know the date now. HE put his hands around my throat and started squeezing ever so slowly. I fear that if I hadn’t slapped him he wouldn’t have stopped. He wouldn’t have stopped. He’d have hurt me. And I went back to him.
I forgot how much writing helped me. How much it helped me sort out my issues. So I sort all.
I’m miserable. I’m disturbed. I opened dairies of 3 years ago and read my past relationship. It was horrible. I can’t believe just reading about it still disturbs me.
I want a puppy. I can’t have one. I get the logic. But I’m still sad. I miss billie. It all comes down to my need to be needed. That would explain my urge to volunteer somewhere. Cause that’s a place where I am needed.
A drives me crazy. Cant hate him cant like him. Feeling like hitting him every so often. Pushy, domineering, egoistic ass. Thank god I never went out with him. It would be like going from one dominating relationship to another. Ah I love S. He’s made for me. Finally!!
But what the hell is wrong with me. Stupidly fantasize about other ppl. Not that I would ever act on it mind you. Not again. I love him too much. But theres still a need for people. There’s still a need for a different kind of connection. One which doesn’t have to result in sex!! Metaphorically speaking.
I got too much to do.I can do it. If I can get my mind to function in that manner. Im too dependant on my moods. I cant seem to get myself into any mood I want. Horrible at hiding my feeling. Wear my heart on my sleeve as the saying goes.
Music is my new drug. My new escape. Havent bothered finding any new music.But the old ones are still there.
Now I remember why I started writing. Cause I read about the day on the hill. Every time I think maybe I don’t hate him as much I remember that day. Finally know the date now. HE put his hands around my throat and started squeezing ever so slowly. I fear that if I hadn’t slapped him he wouldn’t have stopped. He wouldn’t have stopped. He’d have hurt me. And I went back to him.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
April Fool year round
Ever reached a point when you realized that the people who are supposed to be there in your life 10 years later are not there even 10 days after they’ve skipped town…suddenly it all seems like a big 5 year long “april fools” joke. Suddenly you realize what a big fool you have been to think you were important.
How could I be important.Just because I feel I should be doesn’t mean I am right? ? New discovery on the never ending quest to understand people : A relationship doesn’t just depend on how you ‘feel’ . It depends on how you act.
Apparently what you feel is of no consideration unless you have the capability of translating it into actions. What did I expect? For 4 yrs I never tried. What did I think? One conversation would suddenly allow me into the inner circle? One year of trying every weekend doesn’t make up for 4 yrs of never being there. I don’t know him. He doesn’t know me. So why do I feel like I hold some importance. What do I have to offer right? There are 300 other ppl before me that have been his real frnds for the past 5 yrs…6 yrs now…so there are 300 other ppl he has to keep in touch with. Like he’s really going to have the time for me.
And the rest of them.............Did I ever share myself with them .Iv been through this with them before. Why does it bother me if they forget me every time they go out? I never talk to them they don’t know much about me or how I feel or what kind of person I am. They know me as the uber confident non caring non involved old nose poking lady. So what have I done in 4 yrs to change that image? i still don’t try. So screw me right.
Ill never learn. Im not a friend . Warning to all those who think im a friend: Im not.
How could I be important.Just because I feel I should be doesn’t mean I am right? ? New discovery on the never ending quest to understand people : A relationship doesn’t just depend on how you ‘feel’ . It depends on how you act.
Apparently what you feel is of no consideration unless you have the capability of translating it into actions. What did I expect? For 4 yrs I never tried. What did I think? One conversation would suddenly allow me into the inner circle? One year of trying every weekend doesn’t make up for 4 yrs of never being there. I don’t know him. He doesn’t know me. So why do I feel like I hold some importance. What do I have to offer right? There are 300 other ppl before me that have been his real frnds for the past 5 yrs…6 yrs now…so there are 300 other ppl he has to keep in touch with. Like he’s really going to have the time for me.
And the rest of them.............Did I ever share myself with them .Iv been through this with them before. Why does it bother me if they forget me every time they go out? I never talk to them they don’t know much about me or how I feel or what kind of person I am. They know me as the uber confident non caring non involved old nose poking lady. So what have I done in 4 yrs to change that image? i still don’t try. So screw me right.
Ill never learn. Im not a friend . Warning to all those who think im a friend: Im not.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Goodbye El!
I wish I could explain why him going away affects me the way it does. I’v never had some one close go away. I don’t know how to say goodbye. I don’t understand the implications of someone close going away. S says that it changes everything. But you know what. I’m going to start believing it doesn’t. How about the lameass saying “no one is truly gone if they still live in your heart” or something like that. Some body somewhere made that up and the fact that it’s became a saying means it has some value.
I’m tired of being a drama queen. It gets too me after a while. I can no longer spend time figuring it out. The plain simple fact is that I love him and it’s difficult to realize that I won’t see him as often as I have especially in the past few months. I’m an idiot. It took me 5 yrs to realize that he means so much to me. Do I really think that one year of making up for what I never did for 5 yrs would suddenly make all the difference? Yes on some level I hoped it would.
Well, good bye old friend. I will try my best to make sure we’re still close friends even when we’re 40. That’s our landmark. That’s our year. Ill remind you of that when we’re 40.
I love you.Goodbye
I’m tired of being a drama queen. It gets too me after a while. I can no longer spend time figuring it out. The plain simple fact is that I love him and it’s difficult to realize that I won’t see him as often as I have especially in the past few months. I’m an idiot. It took me 5 yrs to realize that he means so much to me. Do I really think that one year of making up for what I never did for 5 yrs would suddenly make all the difference? Yes on some level I hoped it would.
Well, good bye old friend. I will try my best to make sure we’re still close friends even when we’re 40. That’s our landmark. That’s our year. Ill remind you of that when we’re 40.
I love you.Goodbye
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