Goodbye My Lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your hand.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

And I will bare my soul in time,

When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

Of Endings and Beginnings

The last time I broke up a relationship..we got back in 2 days. In those 2 days I made some serious follies and was still accepted back. Note to the world : The fact that you were broken up does not count!! I never regained that trust again...I never put in my full efforts to make the relationship work again after that. And now it has finally reached its ultimate culmination. The more people I tell the more I accept the reality. That I am no longer in a relationship....that I am single.

I have been in relationships since the age of 16 (except for 1 month in the middle). Now that I am free to be selfish I am going to go on a 'discover myself trip'. As cliched as it may sound I want to find myself.I want to discover my peace and happiness. That has always been a constant search for me.

I have come up with a new theory....emotional independence...and believe me I have come up with it all by myself although it has been widely discussed on many world forums.

Emotional independence means not being dependent on someone else for happiness. It means finding happiness in yourself and not everywhere else in the world. It is when emotional stability emits from your own mind and own heart and not from external factors, a.k.a other people. I am one to talk. Most of my friends believe that I am naive, innocent and gullible!! a true emotional mess!

I think this is a the beginning of a new era in my life...I am on the brink of a new chapter in the book of life. And this is the end of this blog. The Changes that I started of with have finally taken effect.

I close this blog with the words of an author I discovered during this time that I do like :-

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2009/03/18/emotional-independence/

Set Free

If you love someone set them free...I never understood that saying...mainly because I never set any one I love free. The thing is..I have a fundamental problem with attachment..I cannot let go. I cannot let go of people, my old toys, my favourite clothes, shoes I don't wear..even my old Noddy book!! Everything that has ever made a difference in my life is kept in my life..until circumstances necessitate letting go..like breaking up!! (Even then I have sometimes not let go)

What is this human need we have to cling on to what 'made' us happy..as if that is the only thing that will ever make us so happy and nothing will ever compare or even be able to provide that level of happiness....This raises another thought...why do we need people or things to make us happy????...honestly, I have asked myself that question a lot of times and come to the same conclusion..'We just do..live with it'..never an answer..its just a premise that I am forced to accept for now..

Today I advised somebody to let go of their attachment..so set someone else free and in the process set themselves free of the torture of having to give in to convention that life is a give and take relationship. If u get u must give..isn't that unfair? What if I didn't ask to get....do I still have to give? Life doesn't make a very obvious allowance for being selfish and self centered...for obvious reasons..we need the selfless for the world to function...to give ;)

There is one more aspect....is the reason I can't set anyone free because they never set me free....because they never let me go...because I'm perpetually held on to and what actually the problem is…is my lack of courage to tell them to let me go...to just set me free...so that I can stop being trapped in this world that I know isn't good for me and believing that its my lack of will power and inabilit to let go that is holding me in it…..while all this while..I'm actually chained down by the false belief that I'm actually wanted here...I'm not wanted...just trapped.

Tranquility

I wait in my closed quarters for tranquility to set in
Breathe in the stale air of never having been let in
My mind wanders off to a different place
Maybe there I will find peace
Its a momentary lapse of memory of the reality that surrounds me

The blood in my veins get polluted by my lies
Let it all go and close my eyes
Set free to roam around a bright starry sky
All alone not a soul
Even if I scream..my shouts would go unheard
Maybe..just maybe this is meant to be my misunderstood reality

Silent Musings of a Frustrated Soul and an Unsettled Mind

I love tv shows...they transport you to a different reality...and I mean that literally. I always noticed one thing about tv shows...how everyone is good at something..everyone has a 'thing'...a particular 'character'....there is no plain ol' untalented ..bad jokes cracking,boring person....who'd watch it then right???...and another thing...how is it that they all are always perfectly dressed...I hate that!! Noone seems to get the concept of jeans and t shirt!!!..sigh!! I'd be such a misfit in that unrealistic world!!

What is the wildest thing that a person can do...the most freeing thing that tells the world that ure independent of their thoughts...I'm hoping getting a tatoo would give me that feeling....the escape..the stamp of freedom..

Wants..good or bad..so many..one over another starts..never enuff..insatiable........so I had this thought on wants...people always want....every conversation that I have had today has been about what the person wants...I can't seem to remember but I'm pretty sure I spoke about what I want too...point is we as human beings always want...we can't have enough...one want satisfied another comes up...we have an insatiable appetite for wants....iv been trying to decipher if this constant wanting is a good thing or bad...its good we want..makes us aim for something...it gives us the drive to achieve....but at the same time...its bad...we can't be truly happy cause we are constantly unsatisfied..

I just realized...I don't have a favorite movie...or favorite song..or a favourite book....there are too many on the list... I can't pick one...hmmm...inability to choose...rather severe...I can't even choose my favorite out of the list I put down....

Romantics!!!...bah!! What do they know about reality??? The world is this pretty pink place through those rose colored glasses!!!...get them damn specs off and look at reality u dum dums!!! Cause one day ul wake up and all the romance in ure eyes would have gone and all you'l be left with the cold hard truth of what is real!!

This could go on endlessly

"To rove about, musing, that is to say loitering, is, for a philosopher, a good way of spending time - Victor Hugo"

Freedom from Integrity

When we were kids...it was all so simple...anything..was either fun or not fun....then we grew up...and life became this tangled web of complications...

We all were taught about right and wrong..but noone ever taught us about the grey area in between...the wats right and wrong at the same time..I love saying "how can some that feels so right be so wrong"

I'm toying with the idea of denial...I think denial can be made into a subject in it self..with multiple chapters under that one heading...wat feels so right but yet so wrong is when u want to give in to the temptation of something that hurts those around u...and being more selfish..will eventually hurt you..its a temporary pleasure of sorts..

Denial plays the role of blurring your ability to see the end result..its the cover before ure eyes that doesn't let ure mind see beyond the immediate pleasure of what's in front of you

The more u deny the more beautiful ure world seems..the more shrouded in darkness u are..daylight is light years away...or atleast till u face the stupidity of ure impulsive choices

For all this talk..I personally don't follow my own thoughts..I do impulsive stupid things..things that could possibly hurt those around me..and me eventually...and then in the moment of temporary pleasure I refuse to see that and go right ahead and jump into the well....its a sort of twilight that I live in...I'm not denying its wrong and actually very hurtful..but neither are my actions guided by what is 'right'.

Its a moral dilemma...iv been taught all the good things...but when it comes to making choices I lack a moral bone..atleast when it comes to my own needs...

Funny thing tho..is that I know I'm a good person..but I don't live by principles...integrity was never on top of my list....or atleast I realize that now...iv still to learn the meaning of 'loosing your integrity' to truly appreciate the value of it..

I see things as 'doing what makes you happy'...could that be wrong...yes it could in a way...cause an ethical person would automatically ask me 'does hurting those around you make you happy'.....now...that question is loaded with integrity...I could stick to the values iv learnt and say 'ofcourse not..hurting those around me doesn't make me happy'.....but there's this tiny demon inside me that pops the question 'why should what I do with my life hurt them?..who gave them the right to dislike me for my choices..I'm still me the person they claim to love'......insanely selfish..

Its a tussle...to not let the demon get to you...you have to set your own principles...ure own limits....but limitations hamper my freedom....I push the barriers of morals to be free..its a skewed sense of freedom....but till the world keeps me trapped in its cage of 'have to do' and 'do not do'....my principles..my limits..my integrity..those are the only barriers I can push....that's the only area I can be free..cause its all up to me.

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.- Spencer Johnson "

I rather not feel

Over the span of the last few days I have kept a record of my thoughts on the ability to feel..ever paragraph is a new day..

Its so much better to not feel..just be cold and logical...all ure options are clear...these are the options..these are the consequences of this option and these are the pros and cons of the consequence....heck...be more anal and run a mathematical optimum solution to happiness for the rest of ure life...makes life so much simpler...don't have to deal with the messiness of illogical emotions and feeling...

How do people think its ok for them to define how you should feel...or define how u must have felt....why is it ok for other people who don't live in your head to analyse ure feelings...if there's one things that is ures and only ures...is ure emotions...that's nobody elses to determine

Emotions I rather not feel....sadness..need..desire..anger..desperation..

Wats more tortuous about feeling is letting it out...if you keep all these emotions bottled up..you are going to burst...so how do you let it out...you write,you paint,you draw....but who do you talk to....the things about sharing ure feelings is just that..sharing...u are eventually sharing your burden of your own thoughts with someone else...and those close to you would share it but is it truly fair to them...to make then carry your burden...its your own baggage...you have to carry it over how many ever expanses you cross..over mountains and across rivers...if its too heavy..then u have to drop it and leave it behind...if u can't..well..then...its your burden to carry...question is..how far can u go before u break under the weight of the baggage you refuse to let go off..

There is no conclusion...just thoughts...

and then some one said "A woman will allow herself to be clouded by her emotions. Her reasonable thought becomes completely unreasonable over the most ridiculous thing. It's a girl thing."

But heres something else to ponder on

" The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy. - Jim Rohn"