Dear Dairy-Im still a kid

Dear Diary,

I forgot how much writing helped me. How much it helped me sort out my issues. So I sort all.

I’m miserable. I’m disturbed. I opened dairies of 3 years ago and read my past relationship. It was horrible. I can’t believe just reading about it still disturbs me.

I want a puppy. I can’t have one. I get the logic. But I’m still sad. I miss billie. It all comes down to my need to be needed. That would explain my urge to volunteer somewhere. Cause that’s a place where I am needed.

A drives me crazy. Cant hate him cant like him. Feeling like hitting him every so often. Pushy, domineering, egoistic ass. Thank god I never went out with him. It would be like going from one dominating relationship to another. Ah I love S. He’s made for me. Finally!!

But what the hell is wrong with me. Stupidly fantasize about other ppl. Not that I would ever act on it mind you. Not again. I love him too much. But theres still a need for people. There’s still a need for a different kind of connection. One which doesn’t have to result in sex!! Metaphorically speaking.


I got too much to do.I can do it. If I can get my mind to function in that manner. Im too dependant on my moods. I cant seem to get myself into any mood I want. Horrible at hiding my feeling. Wear my heart on my sleeve as the saying goes.

Music is my new drug. My new escape. Havent bothered finding any new music.But the old ones are still there.

Now I remember why I started writing. Cause I read about the day on the hill. Every time I think maybe I don’t hate him as much I remember that day. Finally know the date now. HE put his hands around my throat and started squeezing ever so slowly. I fear that if I hadn’t slapped him he wouldn’t have stopped. He wouldn’t have stopped. He’d have hurt me. And I went back to him.